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by SuperlativeLuthor



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Sanvers - Freeform, SuperCorp, sickly sweet at times, super angsty at times, with a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-03 10:23:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14566968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperlativeLuthor/pseuds/SuperlativeLuthor
Summary: Kara makes a big deal over a small incident. Lena has low self-esteem, and begins to work on improving her sense of self-worth. Domestic Fluff, with a lot of angst in the middle.Sanvers are still together, and Supercorp is most definitely a thing.Graphic depiction of violence in Chapter 4.





	1. Bedroom

**Author's Note:**

> Lots of creative licence used. 
> 
> I'm open to feedback/constructive criticism.
> 
> I do not own any of the characters from "Supergirl".

"How does that feel?"

"You like doing that, don't you?"

Kara blushed.

Lena let out a laugh that made them both jiggle on the bed. "You know it's adorable when you sit on my back like that? I feel like I should be doing press ups. You could be my weight training."

"Um, okay, Lena ‘Gains’ Luthor, that will never happen."

"Oh, you don't think I could lift you?"

"No! I didn't mean—" Kara held onto Lena. "I mean we are not becoming that couple."

Lena rolled her eyes. "What? I thought people said we're a power couple. Isn't that what they're calling us?"

"Ha, we'd turn into the...gym...selfie...duffel bag couple. I caught my sister doing that with Maggie the other day, and I wanted to take her aside and tell her the rules of being with a woman."

"Which are?"

"Well number one, don't fall for a straight girl, for real, and two, try not to show people you have matching yoga mats."

Lena pulled her pillow down and adjusted her head. "Ooh, now that's a good one. No one wants to see domestic bliss on display like that!" She smirked, and tapped Kara's legs.

Kara ran her hands along Lena's back, kneading areas that she knew would release tension. "Is this okay?" She asked.

"Mhmmm," she heard Lena respond. She worked her way up to Lena's shoulders, and heard Lena moan into the pillow. It was one of Kara's favourite sounds.

She liked being able to help her girlfriend relax. Lena was the CEO of L-Corp after taking the company over from her family. Her brother was in prison for, well, Kara didn't like to think about it. Before Lena became CEO, her adoptive mother Lillian was a former board member of the company, when it was known as "Luthor Corp". Kara didn't know much about Lillian. She'd met her a few times but had never warmed to her. Lillian seemed cold, manipulative, sly. Kara never saw her pay Lena any sincere attention or compliments. It seemed as if Lillian was ashamed of her daughter. Over the course of the week, Lillian had paid numerous visits to L-Corp. Kara concluded that Lillian would expect a pay off somewhere, eventually.

She wondered how Lena had been able to deal with that growing up. Kara considered herself fortunate to be raised in a loving home where her parents cared for her and emotionally supported her. She wanted to provide that for her girlfriend, although she never said it aloud. She didn't want to make Lena think about all the times she didn't have a loving house to live in. She just wanted to show her that she would have it now.

"Hmmm." Lena exhaled and her body went limp.

"Hey sleepy." Kara hoisted herself off Lena's back and settled down on the bed.

"Miss Danverrrs," Lena drawled.

Kara could see her girlfriend smiling, blissful and tired. She turned out the bedside lamp. She nestled into the bed and found Lena's arm around her waist.


	2. Lounge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have used creative license on the Sanvers backstory in this one. Eek. Don't sue me.

"Hey Maggie, come in, and whatever you do, do not look at the floor, I'm afraid I haven't cleaned it yet." Lena stood at the door, one hand on her hip, the other holding a dish cloth. It was late for chores, but they'd been busy in the morning and Lena had wanted to make the place presentable.

"Hey Lena, how are you?" Maggie asked with a chuckle as she made her way through the apartment.

Lena spotted Kara's sister come through the door and gave her a hug. "Alexandra, nice to see you again!"

"Lena, it’s been about ten years, you know you can call me Alex right?"

"Ten years?" Lena raised her eyebrows, sarcasm in her voice.

"Well, two, but that's like ten in lesbian years, so, basically the same thing," Alex answered. She walked over to Kara for a hug.

"Really?" Lena asked. "So are lesbian years like cat years?"

Kara interrupted, pointing a finger at her sister, "Don't—"

"Well," Alex started.

"Nope, don't even say it," Kara warned.

"Well you all know what I was gonna say anyway." Alex laughed and went to the kitchen.

"I didn't," Lena proclaimed. "What were you going to say?" She turned to Kara. "What was she going to say?"

Kara looked at Lena, laughing. "Something that I don't wanna hear coming out of my sister's mouth."

Kara had come to expect her sister's visits to her apartment every weekend. They'd talk about work, and maybe watch a movie if her sister's girlfriend came around too. She watched as Alex handed Lena a box of chocolates. The one with a double layer, filled with a variety of wrapped and unwrapped chocolates. Lena's favourite.

"Lena? This is for you. No takebacks," Alex warned.

Kara had fielded a few investigative texts from Alex as to why Lena seemed so distant the weekend before. She smiled thinking about how much Alex cared about Lena.

\--

It wasn't always like that. Kara thought about how far they'd come. She remembered two years ago to a family dinner when Alex had asked Lena, "Why do bad people think they're doing good things?" Kara had watched as Lena had sat there, not knowing how to answer it, but she had an inkling as to why Alex had asked. It was the first time Kara had formally introduced Lena to Alex. Kara had mentioned her before on the phone, which almost led to an argument. Alex had read about Lena in the media reports that detailed the terror Lena's family had reigned over National City. Lena's name was unavoidably dragged into the saga, despite not having anything to do with her family's crimes. But Alex had always made it clear that she sure as hell did not want anyone from that family around her little sister. So when Kara decided it was time for Lena to meet the family, she had hoped it wouldn't be too horrendous.

"Uhh, well, I think you're asking the wrong person," Kara had interjected, placing a hand on Lena's leg.

"Really? I would have thought that after being raised by so many criminals, she'd have a clear understanding." Alex had swilled her wine in her glass and stared at Lena from across the table.

"I don't think it works like that," Kara had insisted. "I think it's hard to understand why anybody does the horrible things that what we see. And anyway, we see the same people Lena sees, and we're not any closer to understanding them. At least I'm not."

"Yes, but at least I know whose side we're on," Alex had remarked, keeping her eyes on Lena.

Lena had sat there, silent, looking at her plate. Kara knew her girlfriend had to deal with situations like this every day. They'd bait Lena, looking for a sign of guilt in her eyes, as if she were to blame. Kara would worry when Lena would come home from a day at work and say, "I just don't think I deserve to live here," or when she'd profusely apologize to Kara if they ran out of milk. Sometimes she'd catch Lena crying while watching the news at night when another act of violence would appear on the screen. Kara had hoped that the dinner would give Alex an opportunity to see the real Lena. She'd hoped that at some point, Alex would cool down and agree that, "Okay, Lena Luthor isn't so bad after all."

\--

It had taken a year for Alex to finally back off. Lena had gone to pick up Kara for their one year anniversary, only to find Alex answer the door. Alex had welcomed Lena with a small hug and brought her through to the lounge. It was the first time that Kara had seen Lena relax around her sister. It was peaceful.

Alex had been with Maggie for five years. Kara was happy to watch the two of them bicker about some team they were betting on, or some band that was playing in town. Tonight was no exception.

"No! I was gonna get that one. You had the car last time," Alex exclaimed.

"Too bad, Danvers. First in, first serve." Maggie collected her monopoly piece and sat back smugly.

"Fine, but you should just prepare for the fact that I'm gonna whip you anyway," Alex taunted.

"Is that right?"

"Whip...Whip..." Alex gestured in front of Maggie.

"Ah-huh, I'm so sure. With your...tiny top hat."

"Hey, this is a statement accessory, thank you very much, and I'm gonna use it to completely waste you."

"Okay calm down, Marlene Dietrich. You just like winning," Maggie retorted.

"Hey, that's rich coming from you. Anyway, I'd prefer Kitty Butler." Alex leant over next to Maggie, "Will you accept this rose?" She threw an imaginary rose towards her girlfriend.

"Ugh, now I'm having flashbacks of Keeley Hawes eating oysters. Gross. Thanks." Maggie counted out her money.

Kara looked around the room. "Babe, do you know where the aux cord went?" 

"It's in the bedroom," Lena answered. "Hold on," she said, as she walked away to the back of the house.

Alex turned to Maggie and whispered, "Who do you think Lena would be, if she was in _Tipping the Velvet?_ "

"Hmmm." Maggie paused, remembering the movie nights they'd had over the week. She said finally, "I actually think she'd be Maud from _Fingersmith_."

Alex gasped. "Yes! I see it!"

"Do you guys want some pizza?" Kara asked Alex and Maggie, smiling and holding her phone in her hand.

"Uhh, yes, I mean that's the only reason we're here right?" Alex quipped.

Maggie playfully pushed Alex. "Troll." She turned to Kara. "I'll have a pepperoni cheese crust, and this one will have a—"

Lena walked back into the lounge, smiling. "It's my shout. Order anything you like." A jazzy electric guitar started to fill the room, as her phone played through their stereo.

"Spinach and Feta," Alex decided. "Lena, you're too good to us."

"Oh, I'm merely paying what I owe. You both paid last week." Lena waved Alex's compliment away and took her spot at the monopoly board.

"No—No—Not chicken, vegetarian. Two of those. Yes. Yep, and one Pepperoni Stuffed Crust and one Meat Lover's pizza." Kara had her ear to her phone. There was a pause and then she continued, "Yes…I'll have one lemonade and one garlic bread. Thank you. 4A…" Kara gave the caller her address. "Um who's paying? Oh. Lena Luthor. L-U-T…yep."

There was a muffled sound coming through the phone, and Kara strained her ears to hear.

"Heh-Hello?" Kara looked at the phone, then put it back to her ear. "Is everything okay?"

"And what…what time would you like it delivered?" She heard on the other end of the line.

"As soon as you can, if that's alright? Okay. Thank you very much." She ended the call and sat back down beside Lena. "Shouldn't be too long," she said to the others. 

"I just realised, we've been together for half a decade," Alex exclaimed.

Maggie pondered. "Well when you put it like that."

"So, thirty-five years then," Lena added.

Alex motioned towards Lena, "See, she gets it. Lesbian time."

Kara laughed. "The way you just said that, it made me think of MC Hammer, with, like, a bunch of lesbians wearing drop-crotch pants or something."

"Also known as the 'Famous on Instagram' look," joked Alex.

Maggie looked at Alex, unconvinced. "Lesbian Time is not even a thing."

"Ah, it so is," Alex replied.

Maggie placed the dice in front of Lena. "Well if guys date a lot of women in a short time, why is it only seen as a lesbian thing?"

"She has a point," Lena conceded, pointing towards Maggie.

"Hey." Alex put her hands up defensively. "All I'm saying is, when I came out, I wouldn't get further than two weeks with a woman before we'd both moved on."

"Well it's a good thing you met me then, Danvers," Maggie said, smirking.

"Ehh, you're alright." Alex smiled and wrapped her arm around her girlfriend.

The doorbell rang.

"You guys are gross," Kara said, getting up to answer the door.

Lena laughed. "No, they're cute. Two sixes!" She stood up and followed her girlfriend.

"Order for Luthor?" A tall, lean blonde man stood at the door.  

"Yep, that's ours!" Kara looked at the pizza boxes expectantly, motioning towards them.

Lena swiped her card through the EFTPOS machine. "Thank you for delivering this," she said, as she gave a generous amount of cash to the man.

Kara placed the pizzas on the table. She began to unwrap the garlic bread, while Maggie and Alex went into the kitchen looking for plates. Lena opened the pizza boxes, one by one, the smell of basil and melted cheese wafting around the room.

Kara moaned. "Ugh, I'm going to demolish these so fast, I can't even tell you! I swear I've been craving these all week. I owe you big time, babe," she exclaimed, a huge grin on her face. She looked over at Lena.

Lena didn't respond. She had an empty look in her eyes, as if she couldn't remember where she was.

"Lena? Are you okay?" Kara went to look in the box. "They didn't put chicken on your pizza did they? I was—" Finally, she saw what Lena was looking at. She clenched her teeth, took a deep breath, and stormed out the door.

"What's up with Kara?" Maggie asked, wandering over to Lena. She saw the open pizza box. "Oh," she said sadly.

On the underside of the lid, in black marker, was a scrawled message:

_Go fuck yourself, Lena Luthor. You bitch!!_


	3. Insecurity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jasmine, an original character, is briefly mentioned. 
> 
> I'll post the next chapter over the coming week :)

"Where do you think you're going? Get back here!" Kara yelled as she ran after the delivery man. She sped so fast she slammed him into his motorbike, metal clanging on the concrete.

He scrambled around, trying to pick up his bike.  
  
Kara grabbed him by the collar and swung him around. "No, you look at me. Who do you think you are? You don't talk to her like that!"

"What?" The delivery man looked confused.

"You stay away from here and from Lena!" Kara pushed him again.

"Get...off me!" The man tried to push Kara back by her shoulders.

Lena ran out in her bare feet. "Kara, stop."

Alex had a tower of plates in her hand. "What just happened?"

Maggie turned the box around so Alex could see it.

Alex put the plates down on the table. "Ohh, shit." She jogged outside and heard Kara's voice. She ran over to Kara and hauled her off the man.

The man smoothed down his shirt and looked at Kara. "What the fuck is your problem, lady?"

"Don't talk to me like that!" Kara sputtered. "You wanna tell me why you thought writing profanities to my girlfriend was okay? Huh?"

"What are you talking about? I don't know who your girlfriend is. Don't know why anyone would put up with you if this is how you treat people."

Kara lunged forward.

"No, Kara," Alex said, tightening her grip on her sister.

Maggie appeared beside them. "I think he's mistaken. Did you pack these?" She asked him coolly.

"No. I just deliver them. I don't know what's in them. And I have another three houses to go to before my shift's over, so if you and crazy ass blondie over there would chill the fuck out, I have a job to do." He clipped his helmet secure and shoved his keys in the ignition.

"Do you know who packed the box?" Maggie asked.

"No, I have no idea, there's like twenty people in there at a time." He swung his leg over the bike and sped off, looking back in disgust and confusion.

  


When they'd gone back inside, Kara exhaled. 

"You didn't have to do that," Lena said to Kara, and walked to the bathroom. 

Maggie put her hand on Kara’s shoulder. "Kara, you gotta take a break. He had no idea what was going on. You could have gotten in a lot of trouble. And Lena is well within her right to make a complaint anyway."

"It's not even really the message that annoyed me," Kara conceded. "We were supposed to give her a good weekend for herself. This was meant to be a fun weekend, at home, where she'd be safe." Kara ripped a piece of pizza from the box, took a bite, and put it back down. She'd lost her appetite.

Maggie patted Kara's arm.

  


"Are you going to make a complaint?" Kara was sitting on the bed, cross legged. Alex and Maggie had left, the food long gone. "You could publish the story through CatCo. I could help write it if you like. I—"

"It doesn't matter," Lena said quietly, staring into the mirror on her nightstand.

"Yes it does, whoever did that had no right to say that and I don't want them getting away with something like that."

"Kara, I get this all the time. Everywhere I go, people...quick to judge," Lena threw a hair pin down on the dresser. "What use is it to complain? I'd be even more of a laughing stock for this city. I can't even spend a weekend with my girlfriend or her family without being humiliated."

"I'm sorry. I think I just made it worse. I just felt like it was, I don't know, an attack on your privacy or, your safety? We were at home, it just seemed so," Kara thought of the word, "Personal." She took a breath, "I just...I want to make sure that this place is safe for you. So you don't have to feel like you've got everyone watching you or criticizing you in your own home."

Lena turned around to look at Kara. "It's not your fault. And you don't have to protect me." Her voice deepened, "Besides, what's a few words going to do? Whoever wrote it couldn't even look me in the eye, so…" She took her earrings out and placed them down on the dresser beside her makeup brushes.

"Lena?"

Lena turned around. "Yes?"

Kara looked up at her. "I love you."

Lena smiled sadly. She walked over to Kara, leant down and kissed her.

\--

The first time that Kara had told Lena she loved her was a year ago. She'd known before then, but she hadn't wanted to say it. She'd wanted Lena to see how much she cared for her before she said the words.

"Ahhh, she's got the Golden Pillow! Ahhh!" Kara yelled. Somehow over the course of the pillow fight, she’d found herself wedged between the sofa and the La-Z-Boy.

A maniacal laugh rang out in the living room.

Kara forced herself up, pretending to gasp for breath as if she'd been in a fight with a trained alien militia. She wasn’t. She was in combat with Jasmine; a very small, but very volatile fighter. Jasmine’s dad James had dropped her off at Kara’s for the afternoon.

"Prepare for annihilation!" Jasmine yelled.

"Where do you even know those words from?" Kara asked.

"I heard it on the news last night," Jasmine said nonchalantly.

Kara went quiet. She looked over at Lena. She coughed and focused on the kid in front of her.

"Oh, so they're teaching you to become a hitman. I see how it is. Well, do they teach you to keep your eyes open at all times? Because I just found a power-up behind the couch. You were too distracted celebrating. You didn't see me take this!” Kara yanked a cushion into the air and threatened to use it.

The little girl laughed and lifted her pillow weapon again. She smashed the pillow against Kara's head, over and over until Kara's hair was a dishevelled mop.

"Ow!" Kara pretended it hurt, imagining that if she had a human pain tolerance that it probably would hurt. She didn’t want to teach the kid that it was okay to hit someone that hard in a play-fight.

"Sorry, are you okay? I didn't mean to hit you so hard," Jasmine said, stopping to catch her breath.

"Did you get that strength from your mom or your dad?" Kara asked.

"Not my dad. He’s a weakling. I always beat him at this."

"I’m sure you do!" Kara imagined James trying to have a pillow fight with Jasmine. But she couldn’t imagine him ever letting his daughter lose. "Lena, some help? I have a little menace over here. She looks like she’s hungry for an ice cream."

"Yes! Do you have some?" Jasmine dropped her pillow and looked at Lena.

Lena tilted her head. "If that’s your way of conceding defeat, Kara, it’s not very subtle."

Kara had watched as Lena scooped out some ice cream into a cone for the little warrior, not forgetting an extra helping of sprinkles. "Do you want to ask your auntie if she would like some too?"

 

They’d sat there in the lounge, cushions sprawled around the room, eating ice cream and joking about Kara’s pillow-fight ineptitude.

After James had picked Jasmine up, Kara turned to Lena. "You know, at some point, I'm gonna have to tell her the rules of Hide-and-Go-Pillow-Fight."

"More Hide, less Pillow maybe?" Lena said, raising an eyebrow. "I think it's good you're letting her make her rules as she goes along."

"Yeah, if her rules gave me some chance of winning. They all conveniently work in her favour." Kara rolled her eyes.

Lena laughed. "Wow. I did not realize my girlfriend was so competitive; annoyed that she lost to a seven year old."

"Hey, that is a very sneaky seven year old. She's exploiting my niceness. I can't tell a kid that their rules are ridiculous." Kara pouted.

"I like it," Lena decided. "The more ridiculous the better. And speaking of ridiculous, your hair!" she said, staring wide eyed.

"It's a messy bun," Kara told her.

"Mhmm. I see the messy part." Lena winked. "I still don't know how I ended up dating the cutest pillow fighter reporter in National City." She wrapped her arms around Kara. "You're so good with Jaz. I can tell that she adores you."

"Awh, I love her! You’re really good with her too! I think we both love you!" Kara gushed.

 Lena raised her eyebrows. "Say that again?"

"I think we…Wait! I didn’t mean...I mean I did, I absolutely meant it. I just, I’m sorry if I’ve freaked you out."

"No one I’ve ever dated has said that to me before," Lena observed.

Kara had wondered how on earth - and the next one - no one had said that to her before. Lena was infinitely lovable.

"Well," Kara started, "That should change. I didn’t mean to let it slip, but, I’m glad you know. Everyone in your life should tell you how much they love you."

Lena had smiled so wide, Kara almost didn't recognize her. She planned to try and make Lena smile like that every day.

\--

Lying on the bed, Kara realised it had been a while since she’d seen Lena smile like that. She traced Lena's hands, massaging them with her thumb. She felt Lena's lips against her neck.  

She listened as Lena whispered behind her. "I like that you feel so protective of me."

Kara pulled Lena's arms around her tighter. "I love you," she said.

She nestled into Lena. They lay there, breathing gently.

"I like it when I get to hold you like this," Lena continued.

"I like it too." Kara closed her eyes as she felt Lena finally relax.

Kara thought about how she reacted to something which, in the grand scheme of things, was not the worst that Lena had to deal with. She thought about how things had gotten low again. How Lena seemed distant. How she felt pressure to protect Lena's emotions. She decided that in the morning she would mention something to Lena. But for now, they both needed to rest.


	4. Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter will focus on Lena remembering negative childhood memories. Most of them mentioned are based on emotional abuse and neglect. There’s a brief mention of physical abuse. The first instance starts after Kara’s line: “We interrogated an officer from downtown Metropolis who was arrested for the conspiracy to...”  
> The rest of the chapter after that point goes into specific examples of abuse. The 5th, 6th and 7th chapter will not go into detail, if you'd like to skip.
> 
> Psychologist Emma McCullough, an original character, is introduced in this chapter.

Lena stepped into the shower. She dropped her neck back and sighed as the water hit the top of her head. She pushed her fingers through the sopping weight on her head. She felt relief each time she felt her hair become heavier then lighter.

She had cold showers. Three minutes maximum. Any more was just procrastination. And she had no time for procrastinating, unless Kara was in the shower with her. Today though, she was content to have this time to herself. She cupped her own breasts and pushed them up so that the water hit her diaphragm. _Huh. I get to do this any damn time I please._ She squished them. _Wow Luthor,_ she thought, _you need to get out more._

_\--_

"It's as if she doesn't like herself." Kara was sitting on her sister’s couch. Her hair was down, and she was wearing sweatpants and a baseball t-shirt. It was sunny outside, and the heat was just beginning to warm up Alex’s lounge. She looked at Maggie, worriedly.

"Look, all I know is, family abuse?" Maggie began. "That takes a toll. On your self-esteem. On the way you think about yourself. And you're doing a lot to try to make Lena’s self-esteem better. But I think that needs to come from her. She needs to start believing it herself, or else you're going to wear yourself out."

Alex nodded.

Kara continued, "I don’t know how to help her."

"Be there for her. But do you want me to be honest?" Maggie asked.

Kara nodded. "Yes.”

"Honestly, I think it'd be better for both of you if she saw someone who's trained to deal with this. She's shouldered _a lot,_ and I think she needs someone who’s not so close to her who can help her. I think she'd do better with counselling than what I used."

"What did you use?" Kara asked.

"Self-help."

"Like, all on your own?"

"Yes,” Maggie responded. “And it was good. I just don't think that'd be the best for Lena. I think she needs to tell someone what has happened to her. How much has she told you?"

"Not much. She doesn't really talk about that sort of stuff."

"Yeah, I figured as much. Look, you don't have to take my advice. I just thought I'd mention it," Maggie said with a pitying smile.

"No, it's okay," Kara said. "You know, I think I already knew things were going downhill for her, I was just scared to bring it up."

\-- 

“Lena, I think we need to talk.” Kara was looking at her. This was definitely an evening conversation. She watched as Lena gulped and tried to approach the situation as best she could. “I’ve been thinking about, well, a lot of things,” She started.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Lena asked calmly.

“No. Lena, no. I’m not breaking up with you. Oh God, I started this out all wrong didn’t I?”

“Well, please, say what you need to say.”

“I’ve uhh, I’ve been thinking about how things have changed between us. I’m worried. About…you.” 

“About me?” Lena leant back, crossing her arms.

“Yes. I’ve noticed things, small things, but it’s enough for me to think things are getting bad for you.”

“Mhmm,” Lena muttered.

“Like, you seem distant. And I don’t like you feeling as if you need to shut yourself away from me like that.”

Lena waved her away. “I’ve just been stressed with work.”

“I don’t know, Lena, it seems like more than that. I’ve noticed it for a while. You say things that make me scared. Like you thinking that you don’t deserve to live here. And you’re crying more easily. And I can’t remember the last time I saw you laugh.”

“Wow, you’ve really been keeping tabs on me.”

“I notice it, and I was wondering, maybe, if you had considered seeing someone?”

“You mean like therapy? I don’t really have the time or energy for that right now, Kara.” Lena walked over to bench and filled her mug from the kettle.

“See that’s the thing,” Kara spoke louder. She was not leaving this conversation. “I think it would be worth the time and energy. If I’m honest, I think sometimes we view therapy in the way we view ourselves. I’ve seen you be so harsh on yourself. Sometimes I don’t even think you realize it. I don’t think that you realise _you’re_ worth the time and energy. But you are.”

Lena scoffed. “Not really. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“See? It scares me, because I know what it’s like to get low, and it often happens without even realizing it until things get really bad.”

“It scares you?”

“Yes. Lena, it does.”

Lena turned around to face Kara, arms crossed again. “And what would you like me to do?”

\-- 

Lena sat in the office shaking her leg. She did not have time for this. Jess would be welcoming guests into the L-Corp foyer, politely informing them of Lena’s absence and postponing their appointments. People with their lives together. She looked at her watch. Right now she could be authorizing new technology, signing off contracts, ordering her public relations team to chastise a media outlet for yet another defamatory article. Anything but sitting here, wasting time.

“Sorry about that.” A woman in her late thirties walked in, wearing wedge heels, a blue blouse and dark blue jeans. She took the chair in front of Lena. She had a lanyard around her neck emblazoned with 'North Clinic, National City Department of Public Health'.

“My name is Doctor Emma McCullough. It’s very nice to meet you. Did you manage to finish the registration forms in the reception area?” She continued with pleasantries.

Lena answered and waited for the woman to get on with it.

She sat listening as the doctor informed her about their confidentiality clauses. She signed off the sheet of paper.

“So, a bit of information about myself," The therapist started. "I’m a registered clinical psychologist, specialising in trauma therapy and anxiety. I work, predominantly, using cognitive behavioural therapy.”

Lena nodded.

“I worked for ten years in a mental health unit in London as a case worker for out-patients. I also had experience there working with in-patients. I’ve been working here for…coming up to five years now. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Also, I give this number out to all of my new clients, it’s a 24/7 line that you can call if you ever feel like you’re going to harm yourself, or if you need to talk about anything when this centre isn’t open. The details of the call will be sent to me if you choose.” She handed the card to Lena.

“I used to live near central London,” Lena said.

“Did you like it there? I miss the UK a little.”

“Not particularly. It was nice, but snobbish. I never really felt connected with people there. But I suppose central London has that reputation doesn’t it?”

“Mm,” the woman weighed it up. “I try not to pay too much attention to reputation,” She replied, giving Lena a kind smile. “So, tell me a little more about yourself.”

“Doesn’t everybody in National City know me?”

“I don’t,” the woman said with a smile.

Lena scoffed. “You’re the first.”

“I’ve seen your name before. But I don’t know you.”

Lena gave her a biography; her age, her occupation, her achievements in her occupation. Basic information as if she was introducing herself to a business partner or a new staff member.

“And what brings you here today?”

Lena thought for a moment. “My girlfriend. She’s worries too much.” She felt something twitch in her abdomen. She remembered Kara’s concerned eyes watching her leave for work that morning.

The therapist gave a knowing smile and nod _._ “Did you want to come here today?”

“Not particularly, no. I have a company to run, two meetings with important clients postponed…” Lena felt as if she were holding in a secret, barely disguised. She felt the zing in her shoulders and chest, as if it were written all over her for her trained and certified and registered clinical psychologist to read. Lena continued dryly, “And my mother’s in town, which means half of my staff will probably need to see you too.”

“Your mother?”

“Yes, the evil life ruiner, yes I know. I assure you I’m not like her.”

Doctor McCullough smiled. Lena noticed she had kind eyes. Eyes that looked into her own, gently, not piercing into her insecurities. _Oh the irony,_ Lena thought. _My maternal therapist is helping me with my mummy issues._

Her therapist was pleasant. She wore a few rings and a bracelet that went perfectly with her silver wristwatch. Her eyes were the same color as the plants sitting in the corner, and she smiled often.  Her auburn hair fell past her shoulders. There were faint highlights. Or maybe they were from the sun. She looked like she got out a lot. Did she cup her breasts in the shower? _What the fuck, Luthor?!_ The thought was not at all sexual, but she felt unnerved at her own thoughts. Perhaps it was like laughing in church or when someone had died. She focussed on what her therapist was saying.

“You said your girlfriend was worried about you. Did she tell you why?” Doctor McCullough asked.

“She said I’m distant, but also that I’m more emotional, whatever that means. And she thinks I have low self-esteem.”

“Would you say you agree with her?”

“I suppose. I hadn’t really noticed. I do cry more often. I don’t think I’m particularly harsh on myself though. I’m realistic.”

“When was the last time you remember having fun? When you lost track of time or when you performed a really enjoyable activity?”

Lena thought for a while. “Probably last year, at our first anniversary celebration.” She smiled at the thought of Kara freaking out that she’d gone overboard on her present.

“A year is quite a long time ago. Do you have any hobbies, anything you like to do, maybe with friends and family?”

“I don’t have much time for anything other than work. Sometimes we have friends over in the weekends.”

“What about family?” 

“My family.” Lena laughed. “Well if you count my psychopathic brother who received one of the longest prison sentences in US history; my mother who likes to manipulate everyone around her and is ashamed of me; and my dad dying on my birthday, I’d say that’s a fairly rich family life.”

“That sounds like a lot for anyone to deal with.”

“It’s nothing out of the ordinary.”

“So your mother visits your workplace. Does she work there with you?”

Lena continued to recount everything about her family and L-Corp, although it was information that the doctor probably already knew.

“Family and business are very closely linked then.”

“Again, that’s nothing out of the ordinary for me. Besides, I have to do something to make up for what my family did.”

Doctor McCullough paused for a second. She walked to the shelf and scanning her eyes across the folders. She returned and handed Lena a dozen printed worksheets. “I imagine you’re someone who likes to work on projects yourself? These are the first three modules in a series called ‘ReBuilding a Healthy Self-Esteem.’ Again, it’s CBT-based, and I really think you’ll respond to it. Take these home and work on them over the week, and I’ll schedule you in for next week, if you’d like?”

Lena looked at the booklets and nodded. “Sure.”

\--

“She actually reminds me of Alexandra,” Lena observed when she’d got home that evening. She was sitting at the kitchen table.

Kara turned around. “In a good way or—?”

“Yes, I suppose.”

“What are these? Rebuilding… these look good!”

“Do they? I feel like I’m in school again.”

“Hey, if it works, it works, right?” Kara suggested.

“You know I’m only doing this for you? This is not exactly my idea of productive CEO business.” She took a sip from her glass.

“Just stick with it for a few weeks and see how it goes.” Kara poured the food into their plates and took her seat at the table.

“Thank you. What’d you do today anyway?” Lena asked, trying to change the subject.

“Alex slipped and fell in the DEO hallway and it was hilarious. She landed straight on her ass. Maggie wouldn’t stop laughing.” Kara took a bite out of her food and tried not to laugh it out again.

“Maggie was there too? Those two really have dream jobs.”

“I wouldn’t say that. We interrogated an officer from downtown Metropolis who was arrested for the conspiracy to...”

 

Lena was happy to listen to Kara talk about her day. When she was growing up, her family often dined together, but conversation would begin – and end – with corporations, plans, articles, and politics. Which was fine, if only Lena would agree with them.  Sometimes when she was very young and her father was away on a business trip, her mother would make dinner for Lex and order Lena to make her own. Lillian would say that if only Lena could achieve a higher reading level by the end of the week, she’d order them all a meal from the restaurant on Halifax Lane.  

“She can have some of mine,” Lex had said.

“No, she needs to learn discipline, if I’m going to raise your sister to have the opportunities that you have, she needs to learn how to work harder.” Lillian had stared at her, boring into her eyes.

 

“Lena. Earth to Lena?” Kara was waving in front of her, a big smile on her face.

“Sorry. Yes?”

“I said, does it count if I’m an adult? Eliza can’t exactly disown me,” Kara said, laughing at something Lena didn’t catch.

Lena had often been threatened with disownment. Always from Lillian. Never when her dad Lionel was home. The first time was when Lena was five. She’d come back home from school, mud all over her front and crying into her jersey. There was blood running down her knees, and she was screaming as Lillian dabbed an antiseptic pad on it. Lillian had threatened that if she didn’t stop screaming, she’d call the adoption agency and request they take their child back to the appropriate authorities.

The next time was aged seven, when she was in the shower, after a particularly bad argument with her mother. Lillian had barged into the bathroom, phone in her hand, telling her that she was about to phone the police because she “will no longer tolerate a seven year old brat I never asked for.” Lena was freezing and naked. She was trembling and she’d bent over, holding her stomach, wondering if the police would show up and take her to a different family. Would she even have time to put on her clothes?

“I was just joking,” Lillian had said afterwards, when Lena had gone out into the lounge, pyjamas damp on her skin.

She remembered sitting in front of the fire in her bedroom, drying her clothes. The fireplace was huge. But then, so was her house, and with her mother in the next room, something needed to keep the place warm. What family of four needs eleven rooms? Lena thought. That’s just more corners for Lillian to stand in and threaten her. More doors for her mother to come through when she wished to talk about the mistakes Lena had made.

She liked to sit in front of the fire and imagine the whole house burning down. It’d take a while, Lena thought. How long did it take for leather to catch fire, anyway? She’d feel safe in her fantasies, knowing she would never really go through with them. Her fantasies helped her, and she’d lean on them at home and at school. Her rich fantasy life was colored, loud, and full of laughter and friends…

 --

“Yes, that self-judgement acts, ostensibly, as a safety net." Her therapist was sitting in her chair, hair up this time. "You’re prepared for criticism because you already criticize yourself, and your history of being harshly criticized by a parent can mean you expect it to continue, even in your adult life. The first part of this module, which you’ve read over the week, is recognizing your negative beliefs and assumptions that you have about yourself. Pinpointing where those voices came from is an important part of therapy. It allows us to question whether those internalized beliefs are accurate. So we can change them and start to see ourselves in a fairer, more balanced light. Often we don’t question those beliefs that have been developed since our childhood. They are often maintained over the course of our lives if we don’t challenge them, and they almost become something we carry unconsciously. The next few modules will work on changing those beliefs, so your thoughts and behaviors will reflect a more positive self-image.” 

“Memories are coming back up,” Lena said, clenching her hands together.

“Would you feel comfortable sharing them here?”

“Where do I start?” She recounted the memories that had surfaced in the days prior.

Lena remembered when she was 14 years old. She’d stayed back late at school one afternoon. She’d started walking home and had gotten as far as the bike sheds, where she had found girls from her class waiting for her. She had tried to reason with them, until they pushed her back against the metal bars and laid into her. They punched and kicked her, for what must have been a few minutes but felt longer. They’d left her lying there, crumpled on the ground, her hands up trying to protect her face.

When she’d stumbled home, bloodied and crying, Lillian had laughed. “What did you do Lena?”

“Me?” She’d screamed. “Where’s dad?”

“Your father’s not here. So pull yourself together. Luthors don’t have time for tears.”

 

Most of the bad memories happened when her father was away. She’d almost forgotten the worst one. Maybe it was because she was only five at the time. Or maybe she’d just blocked it out.

“I have to go,” Lena had whimpered.

“Well you’ll just have to hold it, won’t you?” Lillian had said, shutting the door and locking it behind her.

Lena had heard her mother stroll back into the living room. She’d heard a few muffled voices make their way through the door. They must have been important. But then, anyone was more important to Lillian.

The ache in her legs got worse. She’d wondered if she'd be able to open the window and stand on the window sill, but it was too high for her arms to reach. Even if she were a little taller, she didn’t like the idea of falling fifty feet if she lost her balance.

She couldn’t hold it any longer and felt the shameful relief seep into her pants. She’d taken herself off to bed, and hoped the next day her mother wouldn’t notice.

“Your father is not to know about this. Not that he’d believe you anyway,” Lillian had taunted the next morning.

Lionel had arrived home that night.

“Little Lena had an accident,” Lillian had told him. “We got her all dried off and changed though, didn’t we?” She'd asked, smiling at Lena.

Lena had nodded, looking at the ground, hoping that her father would see through the woman’s words. He never did.

 

“You’re not a real Luthor,” was one of Lillian’s lines. If she felt like it, she’d commend “Lex, my darling boy,” on something he’d done, and would inform Lena that Lex was “what a real Luthor looked like”. 

Lena had loved Lex. She’d tried to be like him. It wasn’t until later that she realized he wasn’t who she thought he was. 

“Your mother would be ashamed of you,” Lillian would say, coming down to meet her at eye level. Then she would follow up with, “I know where she is, and she’s not coming to get you.” Or her favorite line when she was angry, “Why would she want to put up with what I have to?”

-

Lena clenched her toes, grating them down the tongue of her shoes. The professional way to let pain leave your body, she thought. Her face remained calm, but she felt a ball in her throat, pulsing, about to catapult out of her mouth. She stayed still, like ice, in the firing line for warmth to melt her. She didn’t move in case her knees gave her away. Not realizing that her frozen body was a giveaway.

“That neglect and abusive behavior, especially from a primary caregiver such as your mother," Doctor McCullough started, "can act as a trauma on a child. As well as the neglect that happened after you were hurt, when you didn’t receive validation for such experiences. That can leave you second guessing the nature of the abuse. It can make you question if it happened in the first place. It can make you believe that you’re at fault. But neglect and abuse are never your fault. The effects of such treatment can seep into your adult life. Internalizing blame and guilt. A tendency to respond to people with passivity. Did you read the fourth and fifth modules that I gave you last time?”

Lena nodded. “They’re working. I think. I don’t know. How can a mother treat her child like that? How can she say she loves me, but never show it?”

“Those issues are hers. It’s a sign of her neglectful behavior that you never felt loved by her. And it can make a child believe they are somehow inherently unlovable. Or undeserving of love. This can affect adult life as well. Do you have people in your adult life who show you that they love you?”

The warmth. Lena melted. Her eyes welled and a hot pain stung behind her temples. Salty tears burst out and ran down her face and she let herself drop. She dropped her head into her lap and sobbed. She wished she’d met Kara earlier. Or someone earlier. No, she thought. Kara.

She felt her chest tighten, as if somewhere in there was her younger self, suspended in her body since childhood, pushing her way out through the bars of her ribs. She wanted to clutch at the kind-eyed woman who could help her. _Pull yourself together._

Her therapist handed her a box of tissues. She ran Lena through a few calming exercises, and reminded her about the sympathetic and para-sympathetic nervous system. Lena wondered why it was called a sympathetic nervous system if it didn’t seem to be very sympathetic.

“I feel as if I’m always one step away from a mistake,” Lena said. “As if one move too far to the left and I’ll be at fault. I worry about people getting hurt or killed because of me. I worry about people around me being watched by the media. I worry about being happy. I worry about my girlfriend. If anything happens to her, it’ll be my fault. I don’t know why she’s with me. I don’t know why she always wants to be around me. I just don’t understand.”

“It’s a lot of pressure on yourself every day,” The therapist replied.

“Maybe it’s easier,” Lena wondered aloud. “At least if I blame myself, I have some form of resolution: my fault, take it out on myself, my fault, like a cycle.”

“Perhaps, yes. What I’d like you to start doing now is to challenge that cycle. Each time something happens where you notice yourself taking the blame for things out of your control, use it as an opportunity to change that behavior. If you do this over and over, you’ll begin to change how your brain responds to certain events that happen in your day to day life”

“Neuroplasticity,” Lena observed.

“Exactly. It’s a wonderful thing. If used to our advantage.” The therapist grew more serious. “Lena? There will be people on the side-lines but this will be you doing the work. I suspect you already know that. It’s why I never meet half the clients I could be seeing.” The doctor paused. “But you’re here. Keep working on those modules over the week. I understand with your job, it’s difficult to find time for yourself. But it’s worth it.”

Lena let out a small laugh. “That’s what my girlfriend said.”

 

Lena stepped out onto the street and she cursed her lack of foresight. Warm tears ran down chartered territory on her face. Her makeup was smudged, and her hair stuck to her forehead.  _A mess, Luthor, stop crying. I should have brought sunglasses._ She made a mental note for next time. 

_Click, click, click._

She walked along the street, kept her head down and scuttled back to the car that was waiting for her at the end of the road.

_Click._

She clipped herself secure in the backseat. “L-Corp,” she instructed her chauffeur. She retouched her makeup and brushed her hair.

“Right away, ma’am.”

At least she’d be able to tell Kara she went, she thought. 

As her driver pulled away from the kerb, the photographer slinked away into the adjacent road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should mention too: I don’t claim this as an accurate representation of therapy, or of medical professionals.
> 
> I like to imagine that Lena also had really good moments in her childhood. I got distracted and wrote a fic about that, so I might upload that later.


	5. Breaking the Cycle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I should put a trigger warning here for a one line mention of suicide in general terms. Not specifically in the character’s cases. None of the characters in this story are suicidal.

“Miss Luthor?” Jess had a worried expression on her face.

“What is it, Jess?” Lena asked, concerned.

“There was an article that came through the filter this morning. We’ve had a few calls regarding it,” Jess began.

Lena held out her hand waiting for Jess to hand her the tablet.

Jess brought up an article from the _NC Daily._  

 

LUTHOR INSANITY? SHOCK PHOTOS EMERGE OF LEX LUTHOR’S SISTER

 

Lena stared at it. “So they still won’t credit me without naming my brother first,” she said sardonically. “Can I at least have a meltdown on my own terms?”

She scrolled down and saw a photo of herself. She was sobbing, reddened cheeks, eyeliner smudged down her face. “Oh they used the half-blinking shot then. Of course.” 

She read a few lines.

“The sister of convicted criminal Lex Luthor was spotted looking significantly worse for wear as she stepped out of National City’s North Clinic.

“Miss Luthor was wearing a tight, knee length black skirt and peep toe heels. She donned a low cut red blouse tucked in at the waist…”

 _Well if you’re going to sexualize me, at least use a decent picture_ , she thought. She hesitated, her finger suspended over the screen. But curiosity won over. She scrolled down to the comments.

 

-Dannii_Eyez97, at 9:48am:

She looks like a hot mess. Can someone collect their friend?

 

-AnnabelJohnson, at 10:10am:

And here we are again, adding to the stigma of mental illness. You should be ashamed. Grow up.

 

-AimeE_Live_Laughxx, at 9:49am:

Trying desperately to stay relevant. She fell off years back. When will this family kts? Ps, she needs therapy for that mascara

    -JaneyyBoi, at 10:30am:

     kts? Maybe you need help. Live laugh and stfu

 

-DaveBro, at 10:01am:

Why is this news, again? The bitch survived her shitshow family, and she’s not allowed to talk about it?

 

-JuneBug9254, at 10:39am:

Let’s hope she’s getting help for her unnatural desires. June

     -JasonOnIce, at 10:51am:

      You mean JuneBug1952. smh

 

Lena strode into her office picked up the phone. She waited as she was put through to her doctor.

“I’m so sorry. I seem to have attracted the attention of the _NC Daily_. If this will affect your service, I will go elsewhere.”

“No, Lena,” Doctor McCullough informed her. “We’ve been in contact with our legal team and they’ve advised us to sue the paper. Our institution prides itself on respecting your privacy and confidentiality clauses. They have no right to breach that.”

“Will it be on the grounds of defamation?”

“We hope so. I left a message with your assistant. We will keep in contact with you with any news.”

“Thank you.”

“Lena, how are you coping?” Her doctor asked.

“It’s nothing new. I’m just sorry for dragging you into this,” she laughed nervously and ran her hand around the back of her neck.

“Don’t be sorry for this. You are not at fault here. Our lawyers will be in touch with yours.”

“Will I still be able to see you? Is it not a...conflict of interest?”

“No. It shouldn’t be. We’ll be in touch soon. Take care.”

 

The rest of her morning was spent with her PR team, and trying as best she could to forget about, well, everything. It worked for most of the day. Until half an hour before closing.

 

“Have I done something to upset you, darling?” Lillian’s voice stung the air of Lena’s office.

Another impromptu visit. How timely, Lena thought. She clenched her teeth. _Now? After everything?_

Lena spoke, a snarl in her voice. “You already know what you've done. Or haven't done.”

“Lena, you need to get it together. Luthors don't have time to feel sorry for themselves.” Lillian said.

“A Luthor? So now you're okay with claiming me as your own?”

Lillian smirked then composed herself. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“So there’s something you want then,” Lena shot back. 

“I haven’t been honest with you. I think you should sit down.”

“I’m fine standing.”

“Okay. Lena,” Lillian began. “How do I put this?” Lillian looked around the room, as if she were considering any of Lena’s feelings that may be hurt.

“Just get on with it,” Lena ordered.

“We’re closer than you think. You see, when I met your father, I was deeply in love, but he had forgotten himself.” She smoothed down her skirt then looked back at Lena. “I’d found him with another woman.” Lillian twitched. “She became pregnant, and your father paid her off to take the child away.”

Lena held her stare, looking for any sign of a lie.

“Then,” Lillian paused.  “She died. And we took over the care of her baby. You. Lena. You’re my stepdaughter.”  

“Yeah. Sure. Now what do you want from me? You've obviously come here because you want something from me, what is it?”

“He didn't tell you. He never wanted you to know, but I told him it wouldn't be good for your development if you were lied to. Still, I respected his wishes.”

“My deve-? Right. Tell me another one. Now what did you come here for? Or are you fine to play around, rewriting my childhood?”

“I know you're listening, Lena.”

“Whatever this is, it isn't going to work.”

“You ought to know the truth. Because I love you, Lena.”

Lena snorted. “You never showed me you loved me. So go ahead with your lies, it's not going to affect me.” 

“I can see it in your eyes Lena. I can always tell when you're scared.”

“And I can tell when you’re lying.” Lena kept her voice deep, trying not to let it crack.

“You know I’m not lying. Lies are what the media use. You’re their favourite material. They like to build people up, and turn around and bring them down again.”

“No. That's how you operate,”

“Lena, I’m glad I’ve told you.”

Lena wasn’t sure what to believe. “You knew who my mother was?”

Lillian smiled.  “Yes. I'm your only connection between the two of you. We didn't want to see a little girl put into the foster system. So we adopted you.”

Lena gritted her teeth. “What was her name?”

“Josephine. Lena, I hope that I can regain your trust, and that we can become closer. You’re the only person I have now.”  Lillian looked down, as if she were about to cry.

It was something Lena was well versed in. She knew Lillian’s cards.

Lillian wiped away a tear that wasn’t there. “I’ll come back tomorrow, and we can talk more about this.” She sidled out of Lena’s office, turning back only to give Lena a sad look.

 

Lena told her driver to take her home. She didn’t deserve this. The intrusion. The hurt. And the thought made her sad, but she also recognized that this was a new place for her. To feel like she deserved better. To realize that what others had said to her does not define her. It never did. And so when she got to the living room and saw Kara there waiting for her, she let go. She let go, perhaps, because she finally felt able to. Because she’d taken the first step and couldn’t go back. She was grateful, at that moment, to be dating someone who wouldn’t topple backwards when she dropped her full weight onto them, uninhibited.

And Kara held her. “It’s been a big day.”

 

That night, Lena stayed up, typing on her laptop. She rubbed her eyes. She realized she was fidgeting. Her feet were twitching to some chaotic beat. She willed them to stop, and focused on her breath. She relaxed her belly and exhaled, slowly, forcing as much air out of her lungs as possible. Then she breathed in, counting the seconds in her head. She held the breath, counting again, and let it out slowly. After a while, her thoughts steadied in her mind. She dragged herself off to bed. Her eyelids drooped shut and she nestled into her pillow. _I better bloody fall asleep. Come on brain, I threw you a bone, this is your chance._

“I’m exhausted.” Lena lay on her side of the bed, not touching Kara.

Kara didn’t reach out. Lena needed her own side to sleep on tonight. To sleep properly.

“It can be exhausting, can’t it? But it will get better,” Kara said. “The beginning can seem difficult, but it’s worth it.” Kara continued firmly, “You are worth it. We have infinite worth.” Kara wasn’t sure if her girlfriend had heard it. Lena was breathing, mouth open, breathing deeply. In any case, she was sure Lena would start to believe it.

\--

Lena felt herself falling but couldn’t scream. She launched herself upright in bed, cold sweat seeping down her back. She caught her breath, and tried to make out the dresser at the end of the room. It was dark, and she was confused.

“It’s okay. You’re okay, it was just a nightmare. I’m right here. See?” Kara leant out and gently placed a hand on Lena’s shoulder.

Sharp pains stabbed into Lena’s abdomen. She lay back down, inching over so she could see if Kara was really there. They lay there, Kara looking concerned and Lena staring wide-eyed.  Lena tried to push the events of her dream – and the people – out of her mind. She thought about Kara. _Kara._ Her parents dying, her whole world – her whole planet – gone. How did Kara deal with that? The beings she fought. Lena wondered how her girlfriend coped. She knew a few trauma-related illnesses. PTSD, Fibromyalgia… Perhaps Kryptonians were not genetically pre-disposed to illnesses like that, Lena wondered. But she’d seen Kara panicking before, heaving as if there were not enough air in the world for her to inhale. There was. And Kara had calmed eventually, but Lena had never forgotten the terror on her girlfriend’s face. And all she could do was sit with her and tell it will pass. It did. It always passed. But Kara was terrified of the next one. Perhaps that was a small reflection of Kara’s unresolved pain. Lena wasn’t sure.

Her thoughts swirled back to her mother. Lena had always wished she knew her birth mother. As a child, she would write stories and think up scenarios where she’d meet her. She imagined her to be another version of Miss Honey from _Matilda_ that she used to watch on video cassette. But her birth mother was gone. And the only person who could tell Lena about her was a compulsive liar. 

Why did this have to happen to her? She didn't ask for this. She'd heard people philosophize about the process of souls choosing the family they're born into. Was this her fate and did she choose it? Maybe she chose it so another child didn't have to. She continued looking for ways that this could be her fault. Until she remembered what Doctor McCullough had said to her. It wasn’t her fault. And keeping herself in the firing line of blame was hurting her. And it was hurting the people that she loved. She had to change it. And she had to take every opportunity to change it. She shut her eyes and fell back to sleep.

 --

“Lena, how are you doing?” Doctor McCullough inquired. “You pushed your appointment forward. I hope it’s because of work schedules and not because things aren’t going so well?”

It was late morning, and Lena sighed as she sat down on her therapist’s couch.

Lena poured out the events of the previous day. She was confused. Hurt. Tired.

 “You’ve said in your first session here that your mother is a compulsive liar. That wouldn’t help the confusion.”

“No. I know when she’s lying,” Lena said sadly. “She was telling the truth.”

Lena had read that a child’s early years were the most integral part of their development. She wondered why she still had a semblance of empathy, while Lex showed various narcissistic traits. Perhaps Lex’s first years with Lillian flipped the switch on whatever gene he was carrying. Lena would never know. But it made her believe that her biological mother had done something right.

She ached for someone she couldn’t remember. She couldn’t even remember what her birth mother looked like. She clutched her belly, and almost swayed on the edge of the couch. “Why do I have to pay for what other people did to me? Why do I have to sit here and go through this and they get nothing? No guilt? No shame?” She spat out the last word.

“Anger is good. Before, it seemed you’d hidden that anger. You accepted living with the shame and guilt yourself, and you’d stopped questioning whether it was actually a burden you should carry. Often people with low self-esteem accept negative thoughts or behaviour because they think they deserve it.

“I don’t deserve this. And she doesn’t deserve to be in my life.”

Her psychologist replied, “And that is a milestone. It may not seem it, but it is a huge turning point.” She continued, “Has your mother met Kara?”

“Yes. Unfortunately. I don’t want her anywhere near my girlfriend.”

“Is she supportive of your relationship?”

“You mean is she a homophobic bitch? She doesn’t really care who I’m with. Although I think she was probably disappointed that I was dating a woman who, statistically speaking, would earn less than any man I’d meet. Besides, reporters have never been kind to her so she was never going to respect Kara.” 

Lena remembered Lillian's disdain upon meeting Kara.  She remembered being afraid for Kara. The beautiful woman who held secrets that Lillian would hate if she found out.

“I fear her coming after my girlfriend.” Lena started to cry again, and realized that was something she shouldn’t say.

She didn’t want the doctor to ask why she was so scared for Kara. “Every time I answer the phone, I expect to hear my stepmother’s _voice._ Every Christmas, I don’t want to pick the phone up when it rings, just in case it’s her. I don’t want them knowing anything about my life.”

“Have you told her your boundaries? That you don’t want her around Kara?”

“No. She has a way of finding her way into my life, on her terms.”

And then Lena said something that surprised herself. “I want to hit her,” she said blankly, thinking of Lillian's face. “I fantasize about hitting her. In my mind, her face isn’t soft. It’s hard, like metal, and I hit it over and over. I didn’t even think I was a violent person. It’s a great irony, isn’t it? Perhaps I got that from my mother.”

“We will continue to work through that anger. If you feel as though you will act—”

“I would never do it. I just think about it. I’m aware it’s a fantasy.”

Doctor McCullough accepted it. “Part of regaining control is a sense of empowerment, and defining your own boundaries. You mentioned you’re worried about her calling, or turning up unannounced. Perhaps setting these limits assertively to her will give you a sense of control. It will give you some of that power back that she keeps taking from you.”

 --

“Hi Jess.” 

“Miss Luthor!” Jess exclaimed. “Here are the files for today, and Mr Johnstone says he can’t make next week but the week after that.”

“Thank you, Jess. I appreciate it.”

“Not a problem, Miss Luthor,” she responded and gave Lena a genuine smile.

“Take the evening off. In fact, take that sweet boyfriend of yours out. My shout.”

It was unprofessional, but she wanted to thank Jess personally for the support during her absences.

“You don’t have to do that, Miss Luthor.”

Lena put a wad of cash in Jess’ hand. “I’m the boss. And you’re still here. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“Thank you very much, Miss Luthor. This is...I think we can go to a Michelin star restaurant with this.”

Lena winked at Jess. Her assistant left the office, a spring in her step. Lena sat down in her chair. It swivelled, which she reasoned was only to be used in times of extreme boredom. Which in her job was rarely. She had to catch up on lost time and she didn’t mind staying late. In fact it was something she quite liked.

Her phone rang. “Kara?”

“I just thought you should know, _Seven Tonight_ mentioned you in their advert. I wasn’t sure if you’d seen it.”

“I haven’t, no. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be home about…eight thirty,” Lena said, looking at her watch.

“Okay. Take care of yourself. I love you,” Kara said through the phone.

“I love you too.”

Lena ended the call and turned on the TV.

One of the hosts introduced the show. “Tonight we’re running a special segment for Mental Health Awareness Month.”

They followed up with morbid statistics on teenage suicide rates. The increase of anxiety and depression in children and adults. Lena wondered if this were true. _Are kids really more anxious today than thirty years ago? Or is there just more awareness of its existence now?_

A ranch owner appeared on the screen. “FARMERS SUFFERING AFTER ECONOMIC DOWNTURN” scrolled along the bottom. He readjusted his cap.

A reporter off-screen asked, “What do you say to those who believe it’s just a case of discipline?”

The man shook his head. “I gotta tell ya, I don’t like it when some of the old timers go around saying that. I tell ‘em to try doing what we do here every day. It ain’t about lacking work ethic. There’s nothing lazy ‘bout it. ”

They cut back to the studio. One of the hosts turned to the camera. “The _Mental Health Organization USA_ has blasted _NC Daily_ for their article on Lena Luthor. According to their spokesperson Annie Milstein, the article failed to recognize the societal need to respect the dignity and privacy of individuals seeking help.”

They switched to a pre-recorded shot of a woman with brown shoulder length hair and oval glasses. “And it doesn’t matter if they’re a celebrity. You know, we saw this in the case of Amanda Bynes and Britney Spears, and the media onslaught that they faced, and that was only a few years ago. It’s damaging to the individual and sends a message to young people that seeking help is shameful. In the case of Miss Luthor, it’s not up to the public to know. She has not consented to this information being published. It’s every patient’s right to have their privacy respected and the _Daily_ has missed the mark.”

The host spoke directly to the screen. “The _NC Daily_ did not reach us for comment.”

Lena switched off the TV. She wasn’t concerned with being photographed in a state. But she didn’t enjoy the fact that those people were leeching off of her personal life. No more, she resolved.

\--

Kara picked up the magazine and bit into her toast. It had been a week since the  _Seven Tonight_ special and she'd ordered a physical copy of the newest edition of  _CatCo as_  soon as it was published.

 

Mental Health Month: You’re Not Alone

Breaking the Cycle of Silence and Shame

 

Written by Esther L Cheung & David Jacobs

Foreword by Lena Luthor

 

Kara read the page. Interviews and statistics were compiled into a concise article. Professionals and anonymous clients were quoted. A box on the side listed national contact numbers and websites. She put the magazine down and looked at Lena. “Cat Grant would be proud. _I’m_ proud of you.”

\--

“This probably wouldn’t have been published ten years ago.” Alex put the magazine down.

“Probably right, yeah,” Maggie agreed.

“Man, we gotta get that girl something,” Alex said.

“What sorts of things does Lena like?” Maggie asked.

“Clothes that we can’t afford. Fancy food. Technology?” Alex was running out of ideas.

“What on earth do you even buy a billionaire?”

Alex decided. “Something priceless.”

They sat there at the table, thinking about something meaningful to give.

Alex remarked, “If all else fails, we could always just get her a year’s supply of quinoa.”

“You joke, but she probably would love that,” Maggie said, and she laughed as she sipped her coffee.


	6. Catharsis

“Lena sweetie, you’ve been in the news.” Lillian sauntered into the office.

“Oh,” Lena said, staring blankly. “It’s you. Why are you still here?” 

“Because I’m your stepmother, and I love you, Lena.”

“No.” Lena said, steadying her voice. “You’re not my stepmother. You’re not my adoptive mother. You’re not any kind of mother. You made sure of that. You slander me and you slander that word. You never showed me that you ever loved me.”

Lillian looked alarmed. “I know you pretend like I’m nothing, but I raised you. Did you think it was easy raising my husband’s illegitimate child? I took you on, out of the kindness of my own heart, despite you thinking that I don’t have one. Let me show you how much I love you Lena. You owe me that.”

“No. It’s not my duty to repay you. I don’t know much about being a parent, but I know it doesn’t work like that. You don’t get to blame your children when they stop accepting your bullshit, Lillian. You may think I’m a burden but you chose to adopt me. And you chose to treat me as if I were nothing. Your responsibility. Your choice. Your fault.” Lena exhaled slowly. Calmly. She was in control now.

“Well,” Lillian held her stare. “You seem to have made up your mind. Just remember, there will be documentaries about our family, when people wake up and realize what we have done for this city. For this nation.”

“They’ll screen on the crime channel,” Lena retorted. “Now leave, before I order security to throw you out. And don’t bother coming back here again. Don’t contact me. And don’t ever contact _my_ family.”

“Your family? Oh yes. Kara Danvers. Never trust a reporter.” She clenched her jaw and shot a look at Lena. She turned and walked out the door, her handbag gliding along with her.

Lena relaxed her body.

 _Brave girl_ , she remembered Kara say to her that morning.

 

She took her lunchbreak outside. There was a breeze and she watched as a man set up his food stall in the square opposite her. A young woman in her early twenties looked up from her phone as she walked by.

“Afternoon, Miss Luthor!” The woman said sprightly.

“Good afternoon,” Lena replied with a smile. She had no idea who the woman was. But she was used to people looking at her as if they knew her.

 

That evening, she strolled into the kitchen to make something for dinner.

“I told my mother. I finally told her what I wanted to say. I don’t think she’ll be back for a while. And strangers came up to me today. They said lovely things. It was…nice.”

“Maybe you should write those moments down,” Kara suggested.

“That’s what my therapist said!” Lena grinned.

“Well then, I think she’s onto something.” Kara leant on the kitchen bannister and popped a chocolate coated almond in her mouth.

Lena nodded. “She calls it ‘capitalizing off of the positives,’ and ‘breaking assumptions’.”

“Seems good. I’m just glad it’s helping,” Kara said. She leant forward and kissed Lena’s cheek.

\-- 

“Well, that was unexpected.” Alex hadn’t seen many action movies. It was like watching a video of her workplace, but there was a female protagonist so she’d wanted to support the movie. Plus, Kara and Lena had invited her and Maggie to the matinee screening and she hadn’t wanted to turn them down.

“I know. I genuinely did not see that coming.” Maggie turned up her collar as they walked out to the parking lot.

Alex whispered something in Maggie’s ear.

“You wish, Danvers,” Maggie teased. “How’s your ass? Slipped over recently?”

Alex backed up into Maggie’s front. “It’s right here, baby.”

Maggie slapped Alex’s butt.

Alex pulled Maggie towards her car and they said their goodbyes to the others. Some excuse about the washing.

“You know for someone who works in a clandestine organization, Alex isn’t very good at lying,” Lena remarked.

“You would be correct,” Kara agreed. “I just pretend she’s telling the truth. I don’t want to think about what they’re doing.”

“They’re trying to keep things exciting,” Lena concluded.

“Babe, I do not want to know,” Kara said with a laugh and shaking her head. She linked her arm with Lena's. “I’m taking you out tonight. My treat. I may even…” Kara grimaced, “try kale.”

“Oh, well, now I have to say yes!” Lena smiled so wide and Kara couldn’t help but think that maybe kale wouldn’t taste so bad after all.

\--

Lena dropped her keys on the table and made her way to their bedroom. It was a good evening. The customers had left them alone, and the food wasn’t too expensive. She hadn’t wanted Kara to overspend. She was happy to eat takeout with Kara if they had to. They’d laughed, and chatted, and she’d tried not to talk about their work or her counselling.

“Thank you for taking me out tonight,” Lena said.

“Awh, well, I love you. And I love food. So, why not combine them?” Kara replied. “But, babe, next time, I’m getting my usual. No kale in sight.”

“Hey, I did warn you not to blame me,” Lena teased.

“I’m blaming my own poor life choices. Seriously, why do I ever think branching out and trying something new is a good idea when there’s a perfectly good burger to be eaten? By me.” Kara went over to the bed and undressed.

 

Lena took herself off to the bathroom to perform her nightly routine.

It had been a lovely day. And a romantic evening to top it off. Lena felt a calm alertness inside her. A buzzing in her arms and a humming in her legs. It didn't feel uncomfortable. Happiness, she realized. She hadn't felt this for a while. 

She flipped the light off and stepped out of the bathroom.

She drank in the sight of Kara on their bed. Reading. Naked. She was so cute when she was preoccupied. Lena wondered if Kara knew how cute it was. She suspected Kara hadn’t a clue. Kara did it too often to be forced.

Kara was lovely and sweet and kind. She was sunshine and fire. She was controlled anger, and uninhibited joy and she was peace. She was peace and she was there, now, lying in front of Lena, strong arms and soft breasts, chiseled torso and squishy cheeks.

Lena draped herself over Kara, breasts touching, thighs entwining. She felt fingers on the small of her back, dancing and swirling to a tune of Kara’s making.

“Beautiful.” Kara smiled at Lena, eyes dreamy and gentle.

“Hmm.” Lena lazily glided back and forth over Kara’s thigh. 

Kara smiled as she felt the wetness against her. She put her book on the bedside table.

Lena felt Kara’s hand run further down her back, cupping her and following her movements. This wasn’t close enough. Not close enough to Kara. To her warmth, her heat, her wet, her softness. Lena shimmied over, pressed her body into Kara, hips touching her girlfriend’s.

“That’s better,” Lena purred.

She rocked back and forth, feeling Kara’s soft folds against her own. She slid her fingers along Kara, stroking herself with her thumb.

Kara was beautiful. She was eager and patient; hungry and giving; desiring and loving. She was out of this world, and she was grounded. And she was right here, grinding against Lena, coming hard and moaning quietly into her neck.

“Hmmm,” Lena moaned, exhaling slowly. Her body released and contracted, over and over.

Kara held her, letting her buck and quiver against her. She slid her hand down and felt Lena pulsing under her fingers.

“Woah,” Kara murmured, “I haven’t felt you come that hard in a while.”

It was true. She hadn’t. Lena realised just how muted her world had become. It wasn’t just the sex. That wasn’t most important to Lena. It was her closeness to Kara. To everyone who mattered to her. The food had tasted sharper in her mouth that evening. The sheets felt new around her body. She remembered how Alex and Maggie’s laughter had ricocheted around the parking lot that day. And she’d laughed with them. Small things. But things that mattered to her. She felt Kara’s fingers find their way around her back again. They lay there, blissful. Steady. Warm.


	7. Future

Burnt beans.

Something smelled like burnt beans and Lena panicked at the thought of leaving something on the stove the night before. She raced out to the kitchen, rubbing her eyes.

“I think I went a bit overboard on the whole ‘laser vision’ thing.” Kara was standing, looking at the stove top. Bacon and tofu sausages were sitting in the pan, fried to a crisp.

“Were you trying to be romantic again with your super powers?”

“Maybe,” Kara teased. “But also you slept in for a while and I got hungry. At first I thought maybe I could eat ice cream, but there's none left. And I'd be judging myself if I ate ice cream for breakfast anyway.”

“Oh shit," Lena said, remembering. "Jaz is coming around today, isn’t she?” Lena fetched her laptop and brought up the math schedule that Jasmine had sent her.

Kara peered over Lena’s shoulder. “You don’t need a math program to help her, you _are_ a math program.”

Lena smiled. “I’m not sure what level she’s working at. I don’t want to scare the poor girl!”

  

That afternoon, James had dropped Jasmine off, with a “be good,” and an “I’ll pick you up at four thirty”. He’d thanked Kara and Lena, and placed an envelope of money on the table.

Jasmine sat beside Lena, squinting at the equations on the laptop but getting increasingly frustrated that she wasn’t doing better. Lena tried to reassure her, breaking down the equations in simpler terms and teaching her ways of remembering multiplications. That was enough for today.

 

The song trickled down the living room. Strings and horns washed over Lena. Drums beat in her chest. She had heard it on her way to work a few times. _A bop_ , she’d heard the radio DJ introduce it every time they’d play it.

“This is my favourite song!” Jasmine exclaimed.

She leapt off the couch and dragged Lena into the middle of the room. “Follow my lead, Auntie.”

Jasmine put her arms in the air and performed her routine, waiting in anticipation for Lena to copy.

“Like this. Loose. In here,” Jasmine said, indicating to Lena’s shoulders. “Yeah! Like that!”

Kara laughed and watched from the couch.

Lena turned to see if Kara was laughing at her or with her. “Well, what are you doing? Get up here,” Lena instructed her with a smirk.

“Yes, Miss.” Kara took her hand and mimicked how she moved.

 

“You could be a dancer when you grow up,” Kara said, after Jasmine had tired herself out.

“I wanna be a superhero.”

Lena raised her eyebrows. “And who’s your favourite superhero?”

“Supergirl!”

“Really?” Kara asked. “Not Superman?”

“No,” Jasmine answered. “He’s a bit up himself. He always makes a big show about saving the world.”

Kara laughed.

Jasmine insisted. “I wanna be like Supergirl.”

“You could do that. You’re already strong, and you look after your friends,” Kara replied.

“I know,” Jasmine said happily. “Can I make myself a sandwich?”

“You know where everything is,” Kara replied.

“It’s good,” Lena said when Jasmine was out of earshot. “She has a strong sense of who she is.”

Lena was glad that Jasmine would grow up in different circumstances to her. James and Lucy were divorced, but co-parents. James had told Lena that it was important for Jasmine to be around both parents. It was the part of their divorce he was most proud of, he’d said. Lena thought it sweet, but he was fortunate; he was a good father, and Lucy was a good mother.

 

Kara turned and looked at Lena. She began slowly, “Do you see yourself having kids?”

Lena looked off into the distance, smiling. “Yeah. Maybe.”

Kara smiled. She imagined Lena soothing a crying baby to sleep, walking them to school on their first day, ready to interrogate the staff, tablet on hand to perform background checks. She imagined ice creams and pillow fights and bruised knees and calloused hands. School stationery and holidays away. It was easy to imagine.

She remembered Alex and Maggie taking her aside privately the day before, telling her that if she ever has children with Lena, they would be honored to be in their children’s lives. Helping to care for them and raise them. Like Aunties.

She linked her arm around Lena’s waist and kissed her forehead. “Same.” 

 

Kara saw improvements over the next few months. Lena laughed more. She laughed out loud, and sometimes Kara would look over, wondering what was so funny that made Lena laugh like that.

There were other things too. Seemingly insignificant things like hearing Lena hum and sing in the shower. But Kara knew it wasn’t insignificant. It was a change. And it was a good one. It did not mean that everything Lena was going through was instantly fixed. But it was a start. She knew in herself, that this would involve a process of ‘two steps forward, one step back’ for Lena. Just like it was in her own life. Kara had hoped, with time and work, Lena would realize “Okay, I’m not so bad after all.” And although Kara felt happy to encourage Lena, she was happiest knowing Lena, eventually, had chosen to do the work herself. She was glad she could be someone Lena could lean on from time to time, but she didn’t want to be the person that taught her everything. She refused to make Lena dependent on her. Lena deserved more than that. Lena deserved to have control over her own life. To live her life according to her infinite worth. And Lena was learning that too.


End file.
